The Dirty Details

I’ve been having trouble getting an erection when I’m fooling around with my new girl. I don’t know why, because I have no trouble getting hard while fantasizing about her when I’m alone. Could it be stage fright? — S.S., Georgia

Yes, you’re getting stage fright. It can be really scary to mess around with a girl for the first time. Getting naked in front of a stranger is an intense experience, and performance anxiety, while totally normal, can kill an erection. However, there are a lot of things you can do with a naked woman without putting your penis inside her. Work on your oral skills, your finger skills and, most importantly, your communication skills. Tell your partner that while you want to be inside her, your body won’t necessarily cooperate the first few times you’re together. Experiment with erotic massage, mutual masturbation, cunnilingus. . . .

There are so many deeply gratifying sexual experiences that don’t involve a penis going in a vagina. Holding, kissing and cuddling are very important too, and can lead to feelings of closeness and comfort with your partner. This should help your mind relax and your penis go rigid. So don’t stress. Intercourse will happen when the time is right and your body is ready.

A married male friend is constantly hitting on me. He says he’s in an open relationship and that his wife is okay with the two of us hooking up, but I don’t buy it. Won’t his wife just get jealous after he and I fool around? Open relationships don’t sound very plausible to me, but should I take my chances with this guy? — J.S., Florida

Are you truly interested in getting involved with him? If so, discuss your reservations with him, and ask to speak to his wife. If it’s truly an open relationship, then not only is it polite to ask permission to date her husband, it’s also great to sit down with both of them and talk about your feelings and concerns.

While I have no numbers to support this, I feel that flexible relationships are becoming more and more common. Back home in Seattle, a close childhood friend lives in a house full of people who define themselves as polyamorous, meaning they have more than one intimate relationship at the same time with the knowledge of all parties involved. I know another couple where the male is allowed to have sexual relationships with other women as long as those encounters are strictly sexual. No sleeping over, no cuddling, no romantic dates. I also know many couples who swing. Some swinging couples will only bring another woman into their sex lives, while others do full swaps.

Sexual flexibility in relationships is here to stay, and having a frank, honest conversation with this man and his wife will let you know what their boundaries are. Until you know what he’s allowed to do in his secondary relationship, you really can’t make an informed decision about having your own relationship with him. Some women love being the piece on the side— all of the pleasure, very little of the work. Some women resent being the secondary relationship and will undermine the primary relationship, causing drama and bad vibes.

Talk to these people, and then take time to reflect on your feelings and thoughts. Only you know if getting into this situation will work for you. Get informed, and go with your gut.

My boyfriend and I were browsing a sex shop for new toys and he got interested in the cockrings. We’ve read about how they help a guy last longer, but neither of us have ever used one. We’d really like some tips on what to buy and how to use it without him ending up injured. — K.M., South Dakota

Cockrings are great because they restrict the blood flow to the genital region, keeping the cock hard and making the balls more sensitive. The pressure of the ring against the perineum is considered to be a highly pleasurable sensation and can sometimes lead to more intense orgasms.

The beauty of cockrings is their simplicity and effectiveness. While there are many different types on the market, my favorite thing to use is the humble hair tie. It’s cheap, stretchy and you probably already have one around your wrist. Stretch the band and bring it around the entire package, so it encircles the base of the cock and both balls. Be careful not to snap it, and remove it if there is any discomfort before or after orgasm.

If you want to get something fancier, head over to your local sex shop and check out what they have for sale. Cockrings are made in a huge variety of colors, materials and styles. As a novice cockring user, I recommend that you stay away from any rings made out of metal, wood or stiff plastic. If you purchase the wrong size, it can get stuck, necessitating a very embarrassing trip to the ER, so keep it stretchy or adjustable.

More fun than a regular cockring is a vibrating cockring. While you can find high end vibrating rings, they tend to be bulky and uncomfortable to use. The best ones are cheap and disposable. They’re made of stretchy silicone with a mini vibe built in, and they’re a great way to spice up your sex life for under $10. There are many brands of disposable vibrating cockrings, and they’re pretty interchangeable. Adult boutiques will have a larger selection, but a number of condom manufacturers also make vibrating rings, and these can be found in your local drugstore alongside your preferred brand of condoms.

I’m a larger lady, and my boyfriend is on the slim side. He always wants me to fuck him cowgirl style, but I’m worried that it’s going to be uncomfortable for him, and it makes me feel a little bit self conscious. Are there any positions that won’t leave me feeling so exposed but will still give my guy some more adventure than the missionary position? — L.O., Arizona

While there are lots of positions other than missionary, I’d recommend giving cowgirl a shot. Turn the lights down low, wear something you feel sexy in, and climb on board. You won’t know it’s uncomfortable until you try it. Who knows, it may be a position you both end up loving. If cowgirl doesn’t do it for you, there are dozens of sex books that have tons of positions to try.

A healthy sexual relationship needs communication and a spirit of adventure. Sometimes you’ll try things in bed that have zero appeal for you. Maybe you’ll like them, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll love how much your partner loves them and indulge in them from time to time. Sex and relationship expert Dan Savage calls this “GGG,” which stands for “Good, Giving, and Game.” This is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think “good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything— within reason.”

The Dirty Details

How do I tell a guy I’m only interested in being fuck buddies with him? I know this isn’t usually a problem, but he’s a serial monogamist, and I have no interest in shacking up with him. I’d much rather just fuck him when I can and be free to do what I want the rest of the time. Is there a tactful way to suggest this arrangement to him?— A.R., Pennsylvania

I don’t think this is the right guy for you to be hooking up with casually. Someone who has an established relationship pattern is unlikely to alter it, even if he attempts to do it on a conscious level. People don’t change that much, and he’s likely to get attached if you start fooling around on a regular basis. Eventually you’ll end up having to break his heart.

I rarely recommend hitting up nice guys for easy, sleazy sex. They aren’t the type, and they have a tendency to get attached if/when you rock their world. You’d be better off banging bartenders, waiters, male models and personal trainers. While not all of these guys are manwhores, their jobs tend to attract the slutty types.

Someone who’s used to having casual sex is likely to be good at it, and unlikely to want anything more. Karmically, it might be a better option to find a fuck buddy who’s interested in casual sex than to ask your nice guy to play against type.

If you do decide to bang your serial monogamist, set clear boundaries. No sleepovers it’s best to do the deed at his place and leave. No going out for dinner or cooking each other dinner.

I will, however, allow calling for post coitus delivery and award bonus points if you’re only eating to replenish for round two. There will be no coming over just to hang out. No talking about work drama, feelings or your plans for the future. Definitely no unprotected sex. If you can follow those guidelines, you can safely have a booty call without the risk of an emotional entanglement. If any questions arise, “I’m not looking for anything more than what we’re doing. Let’s keep this light, because I’m enjoying the orgasms” ought to cover it.

My boyfriend and I like to take turns buying a new sex toy we can share the next time we’re together. This time, he bought me a butt plug. I’ve never had anal sex before or used any sort of toys in my backdoor. I’m willing to give almost anything a try, but I don’t know how to start. Do you have any tips for an anal virgin?— H.M., Pennsylvania

Low lights and baby wipes are step one when attempting any sex act that could get messy. Turn off the overhead lights and stock your bedside table with candles and a big tub of baby wipes. Get the nice ones. It’s a difference of a few dollars, but if you have a little mess, the better brands have quick access lids. I’d also get some silicone based lube.

I only recommend anal play after you have had your daily bowel movement and a shower. If you are planning on just using the butt plug, you can have him insert it during sex after he ‘warms up’ your butt by using his tongue and massaging with lubed up fingers. After your butt is feeling relaxed and excited, he can massage a quarter sized drop of silicone lube on your sphincter and tube and slowly insert the toy. I can tell my butthole is excited and ready to have things inside when it starts “winking,” meaning the muscles will start flexing in response to stimulation. As he slowly inserts the toy, try pinching down on the toy with your butt muscles like you are trying to expel it. It sounds counterproductive, but it’ll actually help you relax and receive the toy.

For your first night with something in your butt, I would recommend just enjoying the full feeling of having your ass plugged while your boyfriend stimulates your pussy with his mouth, fingers or cock. Even the tiniest butt plug can cause intense sensations, and it’s worth savoring those feelings before you explore more advanced anal play.

I went to a fetish party a few weeks ago and there was a dominatrix there who really got me hard. I’ve never thought about being dominated, but after seeing her in action, I think I want to try it out. How does one go about finding and hiring a domme?— P.L., New York

This is a really complicated question, so I thought I’d consult with Mistress January Seraph, a world renowned professional dominatrix.

“If you’re interested in submitting to a professional dominatrix for the first time, make sure you go to a reputable domme, so that your needs are met, your boundaries and privacy are respected, and hopefully your interest is piqued,” she suggests. “Basically, do your homework.”

There’s a virtual buffet of pro domme directories available online, and they can be found through a simple Google search. “Any reputable domme should have a strong internet presence that includes both her own website and an active social media presence,” Mistress January says. For non commercial, “lifestyle” dommes, she suggests checking out or, which cater to people looking for BDSM based relationships.

“Dominatrices vary in their appearance, interests and skill sets,” she says, “but remember that dommes aren’t escorts, so don’t ask about escort related services.” That said, what they don’t offer in sexual favors they make up for in BDSM and kink expertise.

“The wonderful thing about a professional dominatrix is that she’s most likely seen and heard it all,” Mistress January says. “There’s no reason to censor your submissive desires, so long as you’re respectful in your delivery. Be as honest with her as you can.”

Make sure to follow any protocol she’s requested, and “answer all questions posited as completely as you’re able. If there’s something you don’t know or understand, make that clear. The more you share with your chosen domme, the more able she’ll be to meet your needs.”

Once you’ve found the right domme and have agreed to meet, Mistress January suggests you arrive early, be well groomed and have a willing attitude. “If you’re looking to score brownie points, try bringing a small, thoughtful gift,” she adds. After that, you’ll be well on your way to exploring the kinkier side of your sexuality in a safe, private atmosphere, and with expert guidance.

My girlfriend and I watch a lot of porn for ideas to spice up our sex life, and lately my girl’s been asking me about eating her out after I’ve come inside her. She says she finds the whole “cream pie” thing arousing, but I’m not sure I’m there yet. Is there anything I can do to psyche myself up for this, or at least mask the taste of my come?— C.S., Minnesota

For those who don’t know, cream pie is a porn term that describes a man coming inside a woman without a condom. There are a lot of great cream pie movies out there, and they tend to have excellent titles. My favorite is Cum Fart Cocktails, which features female performers eating male ejaculate after it’s been expelled from a pussy or anus (making a farting noise).

I’m torn on how to answer you, hence my preamble about cream pie porn. On one hand, I think you should indulge your girlfriend just once so you can say you’ve tried eating your own come and then make an informed decision on whether or not it’s something you’d want to try again. On the other hand, it sounds like you don’t want to eat your come out of your girl’s snatch, and she should respect your feelings on the subject.

If you do decide to indulge your lady, there are a few ways to improve the taste of your ejaculate. For the week leading up the act, drink a cup or two of pineapple juice a day, add fresh pineapple and mango to your diet, and stay hydrated. Make sure to get in three workouts that week even a few 30 minute cardio sessions are enough to get your body flushing nasty tasting toxins. While there’s no scientific evidence that pineapple makes your sex fluids taste better, every adult performer I’ve ever asked swears it makes fluids taste sweeter. In my personal experience, I’ve noticed an improved flavor in my partner’s and my own fluids when I add pineapple and regular workouts to my routine.

Dirty Details

About a week ago, I found out that my girlfriend watches gay porn. She said it really turns her on and that a lot of her girlfriends are into it, too. I tried watching it with her when she asked, but it just turned me off. She says it’s the same as me watching two girls together, but I don’t really see it as the same at all. What do you think? ‘” R.Y., Indiana

You don’t seem bothered by your girlfriend watching gay porn, which is a good thing. Lots of women enjoy gay porn even lesbians like watching two dudes get it on. So let her enjoy her hot man on man DVD action— but make sure to let her enjoy it alone. Having the same taste in porn as your girlfriend is not vital for relationship compatibility.

My wife was transferring photos from our digital camera to our computer and came across a folder that had a little secret of mine: pictures of women’s feet (and they weren’t hers). I admitted to her that yes, I’ve secretly taken pictures of women’s feet on vacation, when I’m out for a run, a few times at my office. . . . She said a while later that she was “over it,” but something has never felt the same between us since that day. What can I do to make the situation right? ‘” I.C., Nevada

If you have never had a frank conversation with your wife about your foot fetish, now is the time. A lot of people don’t understand any sort of fetish, and foot fetishes can be particularly baffling. Unless you’re into feet, their sexualization can seem odd. The most important thing to do right now is to reassure your wife that you’re still sexually attracted to her and that you don’t expect her to indulge your fetish— unless she really wants to. But she needs to know that you have a fetish, and that, like most fetishes, it’s harmless. Apologize for keeping it from her, but don’t apologize for what turns you on.

However, you are not entirely blameless. I don’t judge anyone for their kinks and perversions. Do what you want to do, as long as it’s safe, sane and between consenting adults. But you crossed the consensual line when you took pictures of women’s feet surreptitiously. Your wife may be creeped out that you’re making foot porn with unsuspecting ladies I know I am. It’s never okay to include people in your sex life when they don’t want to be included.

If a frank and honest talk doesn’t heal this perceived rift between you and your wife, there’s always couples counseling. It’s important that you do some research and find a sex positive counselor if you decide to go that route. Attempting to work through issues of a sexual nature with a Dr. Phil type therapist will only lead to more shame and the denial of your sexual identity. Burying your sexual urges will eventually lead to you acting out and acting on your urges in an inappropriate manner . . . like making foot porn with unsuspecting strangers. You need to be honest about your behavior, and do everything you can to channel your urges in a healthy, positive— but still kinky— way.

There’s a ton of amazing foot porn on the Internet, in magazines and on DVD. There’s a huge community of foot fanciers out there. A fondness for feet is incredibly common and well documented throughout history. You’re not alone, even if you aren’t entirely in the right.

I love it when my husband talks dirty to me— the filthier the better, actually. He has no problem with it either, but he asked me what it was that I liked so much, and I honestly couldn’t answer. All I know is that being told what he’s going to do to me, how he’s going to do it and what a slut I am gets me wet as hell. Why is it that some people, like me, enjoy verbal abuse? ‘” N.M., Wyoming

Folks generally don’t enjoy verbal abuse. But don’t worry, you aren’t getting off on verbal abuse, you are getting off on dirty talk. Dirty talk is a great way to add spice to your sex life, as you already know. Giving and receiving verbal cues can not only turn your partner on, they can lead to a better sexual experience. “Feel good?” “Do you like that?” “Harder,” “Gently,” and “Just like that” are easy phrases that can help you and your partner please each other. Communication is the basis of great sex.

You and your husband have jumped into some more advanced dirty talk with the name calling. The reason you get “wet as hell” when he calls you a name is the taboo factor. If someone called you a filthy whore at work it would most likely lead to a conversation with HR and a lawsuit. Breaking that taboo in the bedroom is arousing because it is “naughty.” Using words like “slut” and “whore” gives you the freedom to fuck like one in a safe, loving environment. As your husband doesn’t mind the name calling, and you clearly enjoy it, keep it up. But in the spirit of communication, let your husband know what words, if any, turn you off or offend you, i.e. “cunt,” “moist,” or “John Boehner.”

With those few boundaries in place, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t continue being a dirty, filthy, come loving whore who likes to get fucked hard and deep in her tight, wet pussy.

I’m a woman in her mid 30s who loves anal sex. After my boyfriend and I were finished having sex recently, we got into a huge fight because I told him I had come through anal. He says it’s impossible for women to come that way because female orgasms start in the clitoris. Is he right and am I crazy, or can I really come with a dick in my ass? ‘” B.H., Oregon

He’s wrong, and you’re not crazy. You are one of many millions of straight American females who can reach climax through anal sex. Modern statistics on sex in America show that as many as 40 percent of heterosexual couples have tried anal sex. Roughly half of those couples engage in anal intercourse regularly with their partners. Twenty percent of straight identifying American couples wouldn’t be engaging in anal sex regularly if women were not enjoying the act.

Not only do the stats have your back, science does, too. The rectal region is a nerve rich center of the body. There are more nerve endings in the anus, sphincter and rectum than in the clitoral/vaginal region or the penis. Erotic stimulation of these nerve endings, which you seem to be getting, can produce incredibly intense, erotic sensations, as well as feelings of sexual closeness— and orgasms.

The human body can be stimulated and can adapt to stimulation in so many different ways. On a personal note, I’ve had many types of orgasms, and I’m not alone in my enjoyment of clitoral, vaginal, and clitoral/vaginal blended orgasms, as well as the occasional anal orgasm. I’ve even come from someone kissing and nibbling on the back of my neck a few times! I know of people who can come from only nipple stimulation. Even people with severe disabilities who’ve lost all sensation in their genital regions can achieve orgasm. So, yes, it sounds like you are having anal orgasms. Give your boyfriend a quick anatomy lesson, and keep coming!

The Dirty Details

I lost my virginity with a one night stand. I haven’t had sex since then, but now I’m seeing someone new— and more experienced. He knows I’ve only had sex once before, and he’s cool with waiting. I’m just nervous that I won’t be any good. What can I do to “practice” before we finally get together? — E.J., Ohio

There’s no reason to be nervous. This guy already knows you’ve only been with one other person. Instead of learning some porn star moves, you should instead focus on taking it slow and paying attention to how your body responds to different touch. Technique is only important after you learn your body. Focus on staying present in the moment and communicating to your partner when something feels amazing.

If you’re hell bent on “practicing,” I would practice masturbating using only your fingers on your clit. Only 25 percent of women can come from vaginal penetration alone the rest need some sort of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. If you can make yourself come alone, it’s highly likely you’ll be able to come when you’re with your partner.

I’ve finally convinced my girlfriend to do a sex tape with me. It’s just for us and just for fun, but we also want it to look good. Do you have any tips for us about being camera ready and making a really good sex tape? — R.H., Virginia

You’ve done step one by finding a willing co star. Step two, get a camera. Take some time to get familiar with your camera’s features so you aren’t fumbling with settings mid stroke. I recommend using the auto focus feature.

Consider grooming and wardrobe. Trim your junk. Scary ’70s bush shouldn’t be hiding your schlong. Also, it looks schlonger when it’s not hidden behind an Ewok. Plan on removing your socks. Your lady friend should wear whatever she feels sexiest in maybe that’s nothing at all. I would recommend that she take the time to do light makeup. Nothing heavy or glam, just some foundation to smooth out her skin tone and some light eye makeup. Heavy maquillage will look freakish in HD unless it’s been applied by a professional.

I recommend shooting during the day in a room that gets lots of natural light. Clear out anything that could be distracting in the background like a messy tabletop or laundry on the floor. Having a clear, clean room will make for a prettier picture. Shoot on a bed with bright white linens. The white bedding will act as a reflector, bouncing the light back up to provide even, flattering light. Make sure to white balance the camera before you shoot. Check your manual for instructions.

I would recommend using a handheld handicam so you aren’t stuck with a tripod setup. Remember how boring the cunnilingus was in the Paris Hilton sex tape? Avoid that by having your lady friend hold the camera when you go down on her, and then switch to you holding the camera and receiving the oral action. Positions that will look awesome with the guy holding the camera are doggie and cowgirl. She should hold it for missionary. (There are many awesome variations on missionary. I’m on a mission to bring missionary back.) Don’t use the zoom button. If you want to get a decent close up, physically move the camera closer.

If you do want to set up the tripod, use it to shoot reverse cowgirl (not comfortable, but it looks great) and spoon positions. Make sure to flip the viewfinder to face you, so you can be sure that you are fucking in frame.

For your first sex tape don’t try and get all the positions, just aim to get one or two positions and some of the oral sex. As for the money shot, you should come when and where you normally do with your partner. One of the hardest things a male porn star does is come when and where the director wants him to. It’s a rare talent, and you can make an awesome sex tape without an external come shot. But if you want to capture that magical moment, first ask your girlfriend (before you start shooting) if you’re allowed to come on her and, if so, where. The breasts, tummy and face are all great places, but personally I like to see a nice, fat load all over a cute butt. Getting the money shot will be tough to do while keeping the camera steady, so maybe have her hold it while you fuck or jerk to “pop” (the industry term for ejaculation).

I’m a 25 year old straight woman and I have a crush on a 23 year old lesbian. I’ve never been with another woman before. Should I tell her right away? What can I do so I don’t come off as a same sex virgin? — T.L., New York

First, find out if this woman returns your feelings. Just because she likes girls doesn’t mean she likes you. What’s her body language? Does she hit on you? If so, then proceed, but delicately. How awkward would it be if you randomly said, “I’ve never been with another woman” ? If the signs are there, let her court you, and don’t worry about not having experience with women. Personally, I enjoy taking someone’s lesbian virginity, and I know I’m not the only one. Teaching is part of the fun!

To be lady friendly, look after your grooming. If you have fake nails, take them off and adopt short, well manicured nails. Long nails don’t feel good on delicate nether regions. Make sure to keep your pussy clean. No one likes to find toilet paper remnants that have been living a half life in your pussy folds. So if you think you might get some, dab instead of wiping, and consider using wet wipes.

My girlfriend and I have a great sex life with practically no boundaries, except she won’t let me come in her mouth. We were talking about role playing one night, and a hooker/john game came up. She asked me what I’d have her do for $100, and I said I’d like to come in her mouth. She got royally pissed, and needless to say there was no sex at all that night. What, if anything, did I do wrong? — D.A., North Dakota

She’s angry because she had established a hard limit and you chose not to respect it. You’re lucky to have a partner who likes to role play and do whatever else is involved in your practically boundary free sex life.

She had already made it clear that she’s not comfortable with you coming in her mouth. You need to let it go, or let her go. Bullying and harassing someone into doing something they don’t want to do in the bedroom is abuse, and in many states sexual assault. Constantly asking to come in her mouth after she’s said no is fucked up and emotionally damaging. When someone says no to anything in the bedroom, it means no. Apologize profusely. It’s not worth walking that legal and karmic fine line to blow a load in someone’s mouth.

The Dirty Details

My wife and I are planning to have our very first threesome soon. She has a good friend (another man) in mind whom she wants to invite to play with us, but he strikes me as kind of reserved. Do you have any suggestions about the best way to approach this guy about getting together with us? R.T., Ohio

Having a threesome, let alone your first, with a close friend is probably a bad idea. When you bring a friend into your sexual relationship, you risk losing both your friendship and your relationship. As a general rule, the risk isn’t worth it.

If you’re willing to throw caution to the wind and bring this guy into the mix with your wife, you’ll need to know what he’s comfortable with in the bedroom. In this modern era of sex, bringing up a topic like threesomes might even be comfortable in the hypothetical at a dinner party. The surest way to gauge interest in a non threatening way is as part of a group conversation. There are a lot of movies involving two guy, one girl threesomes out there (Threesome, Simon, Y Tu Mama Tambien) so you can always talk about those movies as a way to broach the subject of threesomes.

If, after weighing the idea of the threesome with appropriate caution and confirming the third party’s interest, or at least openness, you then decide to approach your friend about joining you in the bedroom, don’t be hurt or offended if he decides to pass on the invite. A threesome with another man is a tricky proposition. Some men simply can’t perform with another man in the room. This is one of the many reasons why there are so few truly great male porn performers. If he does join you, be very clear with him what he can expect in the bedroom. Will he be there to play with your wife? Will he also be playing with you? Knowing what you and your wife are comfortable with and looking for will help you communicate with any third partner.

If you decide that the risks of ruining a friendship, or a marriage, or both are too great, there are less risky ways to introduce a third party into your sex life. If you look, you’ll find a multitude of websites out there that cater to couples who are looking for a third, and you are going to have a much easier time finding a male third than a female third. (Shameless plug: is a great place to search for sex partners.) Over email, telephone and meetings in public places, you and your partner can talk about boundaries and comfort levels with each other and potential thirds before the clothes come off, and all without the risk of making someone in your social circle uncomfortable.

Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of stuff about “aphrodisiacs” like Spanish fly, powdered rhino horn, and other things like that. But is there one aphrodisiac that really works to increase a person’s sexual desire and not just performance (like Viagra)? T.C., New Mexico

There is no scientific study that proves any food, powder or vitamin increases sexual desire. Your question prompted me to search the indexes of my many sex books, and not one of them listed aphrodisiacs. I’m afraid that the only magical powers possessed by any of the so called “known aphrodisiacs” are purely placebo.

Don’t let this news discourage you, though! There are plenty of other things you can do to help increase sexual desire in your partner. Going out for a few glasses of wine (one or two, not a bottle each!) at a cool, dark wine bar is likely to lower inhibitions and sex up the evening before you even get into the bedroom. Lingering over and reveling in foreplay is another way to increase your partner’s desire. Teasing your partner with deep kisses, grinding, hands sliding all over their body is also a great way to take arousal levels to new heights. And don’t forget about one of the most important elements of desire: your appearance. Put in some extra time at the gym and not only will you feel better about your body (confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac, by the way), but you will look better to your partner, and your improved strength and stamina will definitely pay off in the bedroom. Guaranteed.

Finally, just because oysters, figs and other foods labeled by some as supposed aphrodisiacs don’t have scientific credibility as sex drive boosters, don’t forget the powerfully stimulating effect food can have as . . . food! Taste is an exciting sense and is often overlooked in a sexual context. The more senses you can please, the more exciting and romantic your erotic encounters will be.

I recently married a very beautiful woman who also happens to be small breasted, which I love. Lately she’s been talking about wanting to get breast implants, but she’s worried about losing sensitivity in her nipples and being able to breast feed once we start a family. We’ve heard different things about both of these questions from doctors and friends. What do you know about this? I.P., Florida

There are numerous studies to support the conclusion that breast augmentation has no, some, or significant effect on nipple sensitivity. So science isn’t a huge help here. However, one thing skewing these studies is that a woman’s nipple sensitivity varies over her lifetime with aging and throughout the month with her cycle. An informal survey of the augmented women in my life didn’t give me any clear cut answers either. Some had retained or increased their nipple sensitivity, and some had seen it diminished. It’s worth noting, though, that the augmented women I asked who said their surgery had little to no effect on nipple sensitivity also said that it took at least a year for sensitivity to return post op. A good doctor will take care to avoid damage to your nerves during surgery, and with good aftercare and patience, the odds seem good that nipple play will continue to be an exciting part of your sex life.

Unfortunately, the answers on breast feeding after breast augmentation are equally murky. There’s no way to know if breast implants will affect a woman’s ability to breast feed until she gets pregnant and starts producing milk. However, if there has been no nerve damage or severing of the milk ducts during the implant procedure, she should be able to breast feed normally. A point to consider though, is that women who had their implants inserted through incisions in the armpit or under the breast in the crease seem to have better success breast feeding than women who had their implants inserted through a “smile” incision on the bottom half of the nipple.

Though it’s a very rare occurrence, if your wife’s breasts are physically underdeveloped (vs. naturally small and healthy), it’s possible that she’ll have trouble producing milk to feed the baby, making formula a necessary supplement. Obviously, augmentation won’t offer any help with this.

You raise two important issues that are worth speaking to a plastic surgeon and general physician about before making a decision. One piece of advice I can’t stress enough for those considering breast augmentation is to find a good doctor, not a good deal. Do it right the first time or don’t do it at all.

This column doesn’t constitute medical or professional advice. Always consult a qualified health care professional for your medical, psychological, or relationship problems.