The Bedbug

Your girlfriend Michelle is perched on a stool inside a downtown coffee shop, facing the floor to ceiling front window. Sitting with her is some guy you don’t know. He is wearing a black blazer over a black T shirt, every inch the hip young urban professional.

Michelle is outfitted like a bohemian college slut, as usual. Her perfect breasts threaten to spill out of her stretchy, low cut top. She has cut off the material to leave her stomach bare. She didn’t do a very neat job, but no man alive would mind.

Under the table, her skirt is so short, you can see right up between her legs from your sidewalk vantage point. She isn’t wearing panties. She never does. Again and again, she casually parts her knees and brings them together, like a tantalizing aerobics exercise. Her thick lipped pussy winks in and out of sight in the shadowed space between her thighs.

You are not the only guy outside the coffee shop who is staring at her. A young guy across the street is taking a damned long time unlocking his bike from a “No Parking” sign. His eyes are locked on your girlfriend’s crotch.

You picture Michelle tugging down his black spandex bicycle shorts. His big cock springs up in her face. She grabs his dick and puts her puffy lips around its swollen head. Then she lies back and spreads her legs.

You imagine the bicyclist’s thick veiny cock fucking in and out of Michelle’s juicy cunt. She squeezes his muscular ass with both hands and holds on tight when he comes, trembling and kicking with her own simultaneous climax.

Another interested onlooker is a black cabbie waiting for a fare across the street. You see him on his knees behind Michelle, who is naked on all fours. The cabbie is holding Michelle’s butt cheeks so far apart that her asshole is stretched into a flattened oval. His blacksnake size dick slams in and out of her pretty pink twat.

The sweating black man pushes his thumb up her shithole, working it in and out. Michelle really loses control then. Her pussy floods her African American lover’s cock with girl cream when she comes.

Your own cock gets hard whenever you think about other men fucking your darling Michelle. She is such a slut, such a dirty little bed hopping slut. You know that you should resent her for cheating on you so often, and so flagrantly. So why does her promiscuity excite you so much?

The first time Michelle came back with you to your off campus apartment, you felt like the luckiest guy at your college. She did everything that afternoon: sucked your cock, licked your asshole, let you put your dick between her tits. She was incredible.

You called her your little bedbug. It was only later that you realized she was not the kind of bug who was content to stay in just one bed.

From the way she is exchanging glances with that prick in the coffee shop, you know what will happen next. She wants him to fuck her.

You remember catching her cheating only a week after the two of you hooked up. You showed up unannounced one day at her dorm. You had been about to knock on her door when you heard a long, low groan from the other side.

“Oh, yesss,” came Michelle’s voice, full of throaty lust. “It’s all the way up my ass now. Your whole, big cock is in my ass.”

You froze in shock, your arm raised, your knuckles an inch from the door. You heard the springs of Michelle’s bed creak, and the slapping of skin against skin. A man said, “Goddamn, your ass is tight. So fucking tight.”

The door may as well have been transparent. You could picture your unknown rival sliding his hard dick in and out of Michelle’s stretched wide asshole. You could see Michelle’s big tits swinging beneath her body, grazing the rumpled sheets, as she rocked back and forth. You could see her reaching between her legs to rub her sensitive clit while being butt fucked, not giving a damn about anything except the pleasure of the moment.

You remember realizing your own cock had become stiff. Your hand lingered on your erection, stroking it, as you listened to Michelle getting buggered. Part of you wanted to break into her room in a jealous rage. That would have been the manly thing to do, the self respecting thing. Instead, you put your ear closer to her door.

“Fuck my ass! Fuck it! Fuck it hard!” Michelle commanded. Then she groaned with what sounded like a soul shaking climax.

The man in there with her said, “Fuck! Fuck!” You heard the bedsprings creaking faster. He must really have been jackrabbiting her asshole then. He groaned with release.

You hurried into a stairwell, unzipped and furiously jerked your cock. Within seconds, your semen was running down the concrete block wall like rivulets of Elmer’s glue.

You never confronted Michelle about her indiscretion. But from that time on, you kept imagining her with other men. You started following her, hoping to catch her in the act again. That was how you managed to see her getting fucked in a car, with her bare feet pressed against the glass. And in the woods beside a local lake, where she rode a lover cowgirl style. You followed her to a motel and listened from an alcove beside the ice machine. You watched her from your car outside a frat house, where you caught glimpses through a window of Michelle taking on two guys at once.

And now here is this mystery man in black at the coffee shop. He says something to her. Michelle mouths the word, “Okay,” which makes him look pleased with himself. She apparently has agreed to go home with him.

When they get up, she turns toward him as if an idea suddenly has occurred to her. With a mischievous grin, she pulls something from her purse and dangles it in his face. Your eyes open wide. It is a key ring attached to a red rubber ladybug. You gave it to her last week, with a key to your apartment attached. “For my cute little bedbug,” you had told her. “Come over anytime.”

Michelle must intend to take this guy to your apartment and let him fuck her in your bed.

You try to figure out what is going on in her head. Does she know that you have been following her? Does she know that you like watching her fuck? Has she spotted you spying on her today, and is this her way of giving you a treat?

Or is this the ultimate insult? Does she take you so much for granted that she thinks she can rub your nose in the wet spots they will leave on your sheets? Will the two of them be laughing at you while they fuck and suck each other in your own bedroom?

You don’t know. You don’t care. You run for your car and race home ahead of them. You hide in your bedroom closet. It has folding doors, which you leave very slightly ajar. Then you gather hangers of clothes in front of you, slouch against the back wall and wait.

You hear a key in the front door lock. Michelle and her latest conquest step into the bedroom. Their hands are all over each other. He reaches under her skirt to finger her pussy while she pulls her ragged top over her head. Her nipples are jutting out.

She sits on the edge of your bed to undo his belt and the front of his pants. She tugs his pants and his white jockey shorts to his knees. His dick stands straight out from his body.

Michelle puts her mouth over his swollen pink cockhead. You gently tug on yourself as she bobs up and down, licking and sucking. She is so hot, so sexy, so beautiful. This slutty little bedbug definitely has gotten under your skin.

Michelle lies back and spreads her legs. “Eat my pussy,” she says. “If you make me come, I’ll let you fuck me.”

The man puts his mouth on Michelle’s meaty cunt. She runs her fingers through his hair as he licks her. “That’s the way, baby,” she says. “Go deep. Put your tongue all the way up my pussy.” He stays down there a good, long time, until Michelle starts making little gasps of pleasure. Then she cries out as she climaxes.

Her lover gets in position between her legs to ram his dick home. You can see his hard on sliding in and out of Michelle’s cunt, getting wet with her milky juice. Michelle strokes and squeezes his balls, saying, “Go ahead and do it, baby. Don’t hold back. Give it to me.”

Her lover grimaces and pumps harder. You can see his semen squishing out of Michelle’s pussy around his dick and running down her inner thighs. You silently whimper through your own climax, spurting your come onto the hanging clothes that hide you from view.

Does Michelle know that you were watching her fuck? Is she the perfect lover for you, one who truly understands your desire to see her have sex with other men?

She gets out of bed and uses one of your best shirts to wipe her seeping crotch. “Let’s get out of here,” she tells the man who just fucked her. “This was kinky, but I want to be long gone before the little prick who lives here gets home.”

You keep quiet as they get dressed and leave. Michelle is so sexy and slutty and nasty that you know you will be able to forgive her for that cruel remark.

But somehow, you can’t help feeling just a little bit bugged.

The Cowardly Lion

Every time you get together around the watercooler with the guys, Topic A turns out to be pussy. That also turns out to be Topics B, C and D. In fact, if it weren’t for ESPN, scoring tail would be the only thing you and the guys ever talked about.

Your buddy Dave started things off this morning with a story about his latest singles bar conquest. “I swear to God,” he said, “I met this girl, got her back to my place and had her out of her clothes inside of an hour’s time. This wasn’t some easy, sleazy slut, either. This babe was the clean and corporate type who probably makes more in a month than any of us do in a year. We’re talking a hundred dollar bra, fifty buck panties and the kind of garter belt you don’t find on your typical Kmart shopper, if you know what I mean.”

You spoke up. “Yeah, but most hot chicks with that kind of dough can turn out to be real ball busters.”

“Well, if this one was busting my balls, she was doing it by trying to suck them out through the head of my dick,” Dave replied. “She acted like blowing me was her favorite thing in the goddamned world. She opened wide and took half of my dick in her mouth. Then she grabbed my ass and worked more of my cock in, until I could feel it pressing against the back of her throat.”

“God, I love that kind of action,” you said. “There’s nothing better than a deep throat suck off from a girl who is really into it.”

Dave went on. “Her lips were pressed right against the short and curlies at the base of my dick. Her mouth was so full, she had to do all of her breathing through her nose. Then she started to swallow, tugging my prick even deeper.”

You noticed Sean trying to adjust the front of his pants to hide the fact that he was sporting a boner. What a dipshit.

“She clutched my ass like she was afraid I would escape. Then she started bobbing up and down. She was using her tongue plenty too, swirling it all over my prick. I wanted to shoot my load right away. Looking down and seeing my dick stuck in her perfectly made up face, with her eyes closed and her lips stretched into a big ‘O,’ made it real damned hard to hold back.”

Carrie Frankliner, one of your company’s female VPs, picked that moment to stroll past the watercooler. Her presence brought an immediate halt to the politically incorrect conversation. “Frigid Frankliner” gave you and your buddies a look that said she knew you were a bunch of fuck ups, and that she would have every one of you fired if she got a good opportunity. She looked even more disgusted when she glanced down and saw the front of Sean’s pants sticking out.

As she hurried away, Dave finished his tale. “I turned that girl around real quick, so I could fuck her before I exploded. I barely got inside her cunt before I let fly. She reached between her legs and got herself off at the same time. I felt like shit for coming so fast. But when I told her I couldn’t help myself, she let me go back for seconds to make up for it.”

Bobby piped up. “I hope I have that kind of luck with Chrissie.” He was talking about the tender and twenty something new hire over in marketing. “I think I’ve got a decent shot at fucking her. Hell, you’ve all seen the way she dresses. I figure any girl who wears skirts that short just has to be a good lay.”

At which point you said, “No doubt about that. Chicks like her are just aching for dick.”

“I’m going to make my move early,” Bobby said. “I want to try the ‘cocky stud’ act. Being a gentleman sure hasn’t gotten me much snatch lately. Fuck going out to eat, or seeing some stupid movie and then trying to get in her pants. I’ll just ask her right away if she wants to get laid. Just cut right through all the crap.”

“That worked for me once,” said Curt. “I had been trying to think up a good way to introduce the subject of screwing with this really sweet, innocent blonde by the name of Joyce. She was as wholesome and pretty as a homecoming queen at an agriculture college. Creamy skin, rosebud mouth, big eyes, sexy body. We had been out on a couple of dates, and were getting along great. But when it came to turning the conversation to sex, there never seemed to be the right opening.”

“Oh, the right opening was there,” you joked. “You just couldn’t get inside it!”

“Yeah, very funny. So finally, I put my cards on the table. I showed up early one Saturday. When Joyce came to the door, I said, ‘Listen, I don’t want you to think I’m a jerk, but I’m so hot for you that I could fuck you all weekend long. How about if we stay in?’

“I halfway expected her to slam the door in my face. This was the kind of girl you think about taking home to meet the parents, a girl you think might even still be a virgin.”

“God forbid,” you interject.

“But instead, she kind of tilted her head, you know, the way girls do. And she gave me this naughty little halfway smile. Then she asked me, ‘Did you bring anything?’

“Fortunately, if there’s one thing that I’ve learned from that hardass Baker, it’s to be prepared.” Baker is the head of sales at your firm. His mantra is that every sales guy should be ready to tell clients exactly what they want to hear. “I had a half dozen rubbers in my jacket. Shit, I even brought a travel size tube of lube, which she got a good look at when I emptied my pocket!”

“My man!” Sean said, raising a hand high five style. Curt frowned, but went ahead and slapped palms with him anyway.

Curt leaned in closer, making the rest of you do the same. “I tell you, that girl turned out to be just about the hottest little fuck bunny I’ve ever screwed. It was like she had been storing it all up, just waiting to let loose and go wild.

“Her pussy was shaved completely bare. I’ve always thought that girls who devote that much attention to their cunts want their work to be appreciated. And you better believe I did some appreciating! I pushed her legs in the air and buried my face in that sweet, silky smooth snatch. I was squeezing both of her big tits while I fucked my tongue in and out of her cunt. When I started sucking the nub of her clit, she came out and begged me to fuck her.

“I rolled on a rubber and went in deep. Jesus, she was tight. She started rubbing her mound while I plunged in and out of her pussy. Then she surprised the hell out of me. she said, ‘Would you think I was a bad girl if I asked you to fuck me in the ass?’”

By that point, Sean’s erection had become so embarrassingly obvious that you gave the poor dope a sales folder to hold in front of his crotch. He silently accepted it.

“I turned her over and spread her butt cheeks,” Curt continued. “Her asshole looked goddamned perfect, like a little pink belly button. I put a finger in my mouth, then started working it in and out of Joyce’s shitter. She looked back over a shoulder. She said, ‘I want something a lot bigger than that in there.’ She sounded so slutty, I nearly came on her sheets.

“I did a quick job of greasing up my prick. Then I went digging for coal in that tight, pink mine shaft. You should have heard her moan when I was balls deep in her slippery asshole. She buried her head in a pillow and grunted like a whore. Heaven, baby. There’s no other word for it.”

You said, “Man, if I had a girl like that, I would fuck her three times a day and twice as often on weekends. I would eat her pussy so much, she couldn’t go outside without a silly grin on her face. I would make her feel like a come crazy queen.”

The other guys looked at you with surprising contempt. Sean spoke up. Sean, of all fucking people! “Uh, so then why don’t you ever get a girl, instead of just talking about what you would do with one all the time?”

“Yeah,” said Curt. “You sound like Howard Stern, always bullshitting when he was married about the things he wished he could do to every sexy bitch who came on his radio show. But after he got divorced, and could have started screwing any hot slut he wanted, he still never got any pussy. He turned out to be nothing more than a cowardly lion, all big talk but no balls to back it up.”

You couldn’t believe how nasty things had turned. The worst thing about what Curt had said was that it was true. You might talk a good game, but you hadn’t actually gotten laid in so long, it was a disgrace.

“Ahh, screw all of you,” you said, your face turning red. “You’re just jealous because you know I could have any woman I wanted and make her happy. Shit, I could even get Frigid Frankliner herself to bend over for me. Hell, a good dicking is probably just what she needs. I would make her come like a goddamned volcano in an earthquake, then watch her clamp her mouth on my man meat like a milking machine set on ‘suck it dry.’”

The other guys were looking behind you with alarmed expressions. Without turning around, you just knew who was standing there. Instead of getting laid, it looked like you were about to get laid off, you lying, limp dicked, lousy excuse for a lion.

The Cheetah

A warm breeze blows your tawny blonde hair away from your face as you run. You maintain a moderate pace, ignoring distractions, focused on your prey. He is up ahead, where the asphalt path curves near the lake. He is completely unaware that fifty yards behind him is a cheetah on the prowl.

Your snug sports bra holds your compact B cup breasts up nice and high. You are equally sleek and enticing below the waist. You always wear a thong under your split sided running shorts. Each time you lift a leg, you show off one of the smooth, bare flanks of your ass.

You like the lustful stares you get from men. What you like even more are the glares of resentment from women. Some of them might have bigger boobs or cuter outfits than you, but none of them has what you’ve got. With your athletic build and sultry, determined expression, you radiate sex appeal like a cat in heat. A big cat.

You met your boyfriend Greg in this same part a couple of months ago. You already were living with a guy at the time. Like that mattered.

Greg was playing soccer with some friends, shirts versus skins. His broad chest and muscular arms looked so good that you knew you had to have him. When a wild kick sent the ball in your direction, you grabbed it. Instead of tossing it back, you pointed at Greg, then crooked your finger. He grinned, shrugged at his buddies and jogged over to you. His upper body was covered in a light sheen of sweat, giving him an irresistibly manly scent.

“I’m here for the hostage,” he said, nodding at the ball.

“It’s yours for a kiss,” you replied, in your best bad little girl voice. You put the ball behind your back. “And it has to be a really good one.”

Greg looked back at his buddies again, like he couldn’t believe his luck. You knew you had him as soon as he leaned forward to press his lips against yours. You opened your mouth and found his tongue. He put a strong arm around you and pulled you close. Not breaking the kiss, he took the ball and tossed it backward over his shoulder. His buddies got the message and resumed their game without him.

“What’s your name?” he finally said, his big arms till around your trim waist. His face was flush with desire. His hard on pressed against your stomach through his baggy shorts.

You wanted to keep things physical, animal, primal. You looked in his eyes and said, “How about if I tell you after you fuck me?” His cock gave a spasm.

You didn’t spare a thought for the guy you were living with as he drove you to his apartment. That would have been too civilized, too human. All that mattered was the moment, and mating with this new man. In the elevator he was all over you, squeezing your tits and putting his hands down the back of your running shorts while you French kissed. As soon as you were inside his place, both of you were out of your clothes fast.

“I want to taste this big, beautiful dick,” you said, tugging his slightly curved erection. You pushed him onto his couch and went to your knees between his legs. Then you opened wide and started sucking.

Arnie, your live in boyfriend, would be devastated later when you told him you had found another guy. Too bad. Arnie was yesterday’s fun. He was getting boring, and you were ready to move on. You were a hungry, savage pussy with a big appetite.

Greg’s cock soon was throbbing between your lips. You knew he was close to losing control. “Go ahead and come in my mouth,” you told him. “Then we’ll see if you’re man enough to fuck me when you’re done.” The words had barely left your lips before his cock began spurting. You took the first big gusher on the cheek, but swallowed the rest.

You were so hot by then that you climbed onto the couch cushions to shove your crotch in Greg’s face. Your hands were pressed flat against the wall for support. “Eat my cunt,” you said, grinding your pussy against his mouth. “Suck my pussy and make me come. Lick my clit.”

Greg slid a middle finger up and down your crack while he lapped your neatly trimmed twat. He slipped the thumb of that same hand up your snatch and worked it in and out. It felt fantastic. You needed to get fucked. You needed it right away.

“I want you inside me,” you said, squatting over his lap and taking his cock in your hand.

Greg managed to ask, “Do you want me to get a rubber?”

“Fuck, no!” You sat down hard on his stiff cock. It still was impressively hard, even though he had come only minutes before. You rode up and down on that big dick, rubbing your pussy at the same time.

Greg sucked your left tit, then your right. He used both hands to press the tips of your breasts toward each other, so your nipples almost touched. He darted his tongue between them. You turned around without lifting your cunt from his cock. Sitting on his lap with your back to him, you leaned forward and held your butt cheeks apart.

“Finger my ass while you fuck me,” you said. That was something one of your first lovers had taught you. He was very into ass play, with his fingers, tongue, toys and cock. You thought that was nasty at first, but you developed a taste for it in a hurry.

You felt Greg tentatively massaging the puckered rim of your anus. “Give me more,” you said, bucking up and down on his dick with your pussy. “Go deeper.” One of his long fingers probed inside your sphincter. Then he slipped it out and inserted two fingers at once. Deep.

“Ohhhhh,” you moaned, loving the sensation. You didn’t know his name yet, but you knew he was going to be a keeper. At least for a little while.

Impulsively, you raised yourself off Greg’s cock and thrust your pelvis forward. Holding his slimy prick in your hand, you placed his swollen dickhead against your asshole. The only lubrication on his big cock was your pussy cream. That was fine with you. You really wanted to feel this fuck.

You took the first two inches of it up your ass without much trouble. But you had to wiggle around like a real slut to wedge the rest of his massive cock inside your tiny asshole. The feeling was so overwhelming that you opened your mouth to cry out, but you couldn’t make a sound.

You kept frigging your clit with one hand while you bounced up and down on Greg’s dick with your ass. Tears rolled down your face as you whimpered through a pair of back to back climaxes.

“Jesus, your ass is tight,” Greg groaned. “Goddamn, it’s tight!” He gripped your waist as he pumped in and out of your clutching, burning ass. It wasn’t long before you felt the telltale throb that meant he was ready to come again. Then he was doing it, shooting off a hot load inside your bowels.

Arnie called you a goddamned cheating little bitch when you told him you were moving in with Greg. But you aren’t a cheater, you’re a cheetah. Cheetahs have to hunt to live. They are the only cats who never retract their claws. Just like you.

Your latest prey, that guy on the path up ahead of you now, is as black and chiseled as an ebony god. You put on a burst of speed and easily sprint past him, but not too far. You can almost feel the heat of his stare on your long, white legs and your trim, upturned ass.

You can’t wait to feel his cock inside you. It’s been a long time since you had a black guy. Greg will be pissed when you tell him it is over between the two of your, but that’s too fucking bad. You have feasted on his body long enough. Time to leave that used carcass behind and move on to some fresh meat.

The black stranger is picking up speed behind you, closing the gap. He definitely wants what he sees. To keep the upper hand, your next move will be tricky.

You stop abruptly in your tracks. He is running too fast to avoid a collision. You roll sideways with the impact, making sure he winds up on his back in the grass. You quickly straddle his body, your crotch against his. You can feel through his tight spandex shorts that his cock is upright and hard, just as you hoped. You scrunch your pussy up and down a couple of times against that thick bulge.

He looks up at you with a mixture of suspicion and desire, but doesn’t say a word. You set his mind at ease by collapsing against his massive chest and shoving your tongue in his mouth. Then you put your lips against his ear and breathe, “Do you want to fuck me?”

Seconds later, you are leaning over and holding on to a tree behind some bushes. Your running shorts are on the grass. Your thong has been yanked aside, baring your crack. The stranger is holding the cheeks of your ass apart so he can see your pink anus and your stretched wide cunt. You are on the receiving end of a vigorous, sweaty stand up fuck, like a beautiful animal in the wild.

You close your eyes and rake your sharp claws down the smooth bark of the tree, practically purring with pleasure. You know you will continue screwing around on every lover you bring to ground, including this latest one. Each of them will feel betrayed, hurt and angry because of your endless cheating.

But to a hungry cheetah like you, that’s just the law of the jungle.

Forum Sex Survey: Masturbation Clubs

Senior Field Associate Andy Jackson reports: “Ever since I heard about them on HBO’s Real Sex, I’ve tried to persuade [Field Research Coordinator] Beth [Kirichenko] to look at masturbation clubs. She’d say, ‘Over my dead body.’ Actually, it was her cat’s dead body. When Mom called to say it was up for poor old Fluffy, Beth was on the next plane home. So this month’s question is: Would you join a masturbation club?

“Call me insensitive, boo hoo! The kitty was eighteen, which is like a zillion in cat years. And the real reason Beth zipped home is her mom mentioned that her old boyfriend next door, this super lawyer hunk, was visiting Detroit at the time. He’s like God’s gift to womankind. Let’s keep our fingers crossed— if anyone needs to get laid, it’s our Beth.

“Since the U.S. Census Bureau says the highest per capita jerk off rate is in South Beach, Florida, that’s where I headed. It’s just a coincidence that I’ve been telling Beth for ages we should do a survey there.”

N.H., twenty eight, male, butcher from Pittsburgh, remarried

You mean there really is such a thing? I thought my ex wife made it up that night when I walked in on her and her screwy friends, all nude and playing with themselves. What a sight! Guys who looked like they’d never been to a gym or done a sit up in their lives and women who— well, I always figured Lynn’s friends were lesbians. Anyway, she claimed what they were doing was a “masturbation society,” I think she called it. She dared me to find any evidence of penetration. I said, “What am I, Quincy?”

N.R., forty one, female, college professor from Boston, divorced

What kind of club? What’re you, nuts? What magazine did you say you’re from? You got I.D., buster? Sorry, but you know, a person has to be careful. Say— uh, Andrew, is it? I’ll bet your friends call you Andy. I find it hard to believe, Andy, that a big, gorgeous guy like you masturbates. Anyway, aren’t you thirsty, working your adorable tush off all day out here on the beach? Can I buy you a drink?

R.T., thirty seven, male, accounting supervisor from Cincinnati, divorced

That sounds like a useful idea. A person could pick up helpful tips, besides meeting new people with similar interests. Jesus God, can you believe the bikinis these girls aren’t wearing? Oh Christ, look at the boobs on that babe! I think I’m having a heart attack.

M.E., twenty two, female, executive trainee from Atlanta, engaged

Can you believe I’ve never seen a guy jerk off? All my dates, I ask if they’ll do it for me. Usually they get this weird look on their face and slip out of bed and get dressed and leave. More times than I can count, I had a guy do that and then have to come back because we were in his dorm room. I don’t understand why guys are so creeped out by such a simple, natural thing. I mean, if they’re touchy about the size of their little thingies, well, hell, I already saw that when we had sex. I mean, I never ask them to do it till after we’ve fucked. Of course, it might be better if I asked them to, you know, do it before we fuck. Even though I always assure them I can get them up again. In case you were wondering, I’m very good at getting guys, shall we say, enthusiastic. How about you, big guy? You look like a pretty enthusiastic fellow yourself. Got any plans for tonight?

N.O., twenty six, female, waitress from South Beach, divorced twice

I dated a guy once, suggested something like that. I figured for sure he was making it up, it was just his way to trick me into some kind of group scene, which he knew I wasn’t into. So I went along, and had a surprisingly good time. The guys were mostly for shit. I hoped they would be better looking, or at least decently hung. But as it turned out, some of the girls were awfully cute, and ever so creative. Some of them had brought along what they called their “little toy chests,” which contained the most adorable stuff to play with. Like this girl Linda had this darling dildo, about a foot long and all black. So I asked her where she got it, and she said she’d be happy to show me. So we had lunch the next day, then did some shopping and wound up being a few hours late meeting my boyfriend, and boy, did he ever freak! He demanded to know where I’d been, and who with. I said I didn’t need that kind of shit from him, I got more than enough from my husband.

L.T., thirty six, male, session musician from Manhattan, married

You’re shitting me, right? There really are such things? Give me a sec here. Okay, I’m getting a mental picture. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I figure the women are all, you know, prize kennel club bowwows. Still, all those naked broads— they get naked, don’t they? Please tell me they get naked— playing themselves like harps, this you don’t see every day. At the same time, I’m not so crazy about the idea of getting naked and spanking my monkey in front of a bunch of strangers, in particular guy type strangers. Not to mention watching other guys, you know, doing it. Whew, I’m feeling a little flushed. Do you know if this place has a gym? Suddenly I feel like a little exercise. Maybe work off some tension.

U.T., thirty one, female, muffin shop counterperson from Akron, divorced

They just masturbate? And no touching each other? Sounds like my marriage.

R.A., thirty, male, gas station night manager from Buffalo, separated

They got clubs for that now? Far out! Like everyone pays dues, and there’s a treasurer and recording secretary and everything? I guess the secretary starts off by reading the minutes from last week’s meeting, which would go, like, “Then Noel got, like, all red and blew his wad all over himself. And all the while Sarah was tickling her love button and, like, moaning loudly” ?

J.H., thirty three, male, dry freight assessor from Philadelphia, divorced

I tried it once, but it didn’t work out so great. First off, in that setting I didn’t have an easy time getting Junior here up. Which kind of defeated the point. Even worse, I didn’t know where to look. Wherever my eyes landed, I saw something— let’s just say, something I really, really didn’t want to see.

T.A., forty two, female, nonprofit executive from Washington, D.C., “in a committed relationship”

There are always people who take advantage. Our club was fine for several years. In the end it was torn apart by politics. Isn’t that always the way? It was a power play. Bruce, the driving force behind the other faction, did not like not being in control. I think it was more that than the things he and his cronies actually said, like wanting to allow “mutually assisted self stimulation,” or complaining how the club had been taken over by “that band of dykes.” I mean, it was always agreed that lesbians and gay men were welcome like everyone else. My lover Camille— I met her at the club— always insisted it wasn’t the lesbians that got Bruce’s goat, but the gay boys. She thought he was responding to seeing all those cocks so much nicer than his. She also thought he was more interested in those cocks than he let on. Being in charge was the best shot he had at finding someone willing to “mutually assist” him.

All Sex Survey questions are authentic. Only the answers are made up.

Fitness Fetish: Rollerblading

If you like speed and get off on the rush, check out the sport of inline roller skating— it’s bitchin’ to say the least. Inline blading is to regular roller skating what techno house music is to Mozart.

The trend that started a few years ago has turned into the latest, greatest sport and has virtually made the old fashioned skates— the type with four wheels on each skate positioned like an automobile’s tires— dinosaurs. Inline blading puts the wheels— up to five on one foot for racer types— one behind the other. The result is smoother operation compared to traditional skates, hence mega speeds approaching 45 mph.

Now, think of rollerblading as a combination of aerobics and motocross. Hey, if you have this habit of working out and exercising as if your life depends on it, why not smoke the pavement? You can’t find a more versatile lower body workout than blading. We’re talkin’ firm thighs, tight butts and sweating bodies. Can you think of any traits more desirable than those? Skating is great for reducing that pizza ring around your waist, too. Especially when you’re trying to attract a hot guy with a cute ass.

Get the basics down first— learn how to fall without hurting yourself. It will save a lot of epidermis in the long run. But a word of caution: before you buckle the skates on, at least protect your wrists and noggin. Wrist guards are fingerless gloves with a strip of heavy duty plastic molded to follow the contours of the wrist and palm. Wrist guards and a helmet are required accoutrements. Knee and elbow pads are cool, too, though you might look like RoboCop. Remember, though, they’re investments. And like mom always said, you can never be too careful.

Start off slowly. You’ll look like Big Bird with your arms out for balance, but don’t let it bother you. When you see those hard bods whizzing by, you’ll really come to appreciate your own smooth shaped ass and rippling abs. The hard part is keeping up with these gods and goddesses of the streets. They will easily leave a beginner in the dust, but what a sight it is seeing those cheeks, tucked in gym shorts, going down a stretch of road. Hooking up with a babe who’s got pads covering her elbows and knees and no more than a skin of spandex can make the first few falls all the more worth it.

Look for a smooth, level place to begin. Sticks, leaves and gravel are not a blader’s friends. Ask for suggestions from other bladders— you never know what it could lead to. Besides, bladers are a breed unto their own. You can make friends fast this way, especially when they have to keep picking you up off the asphalt. And where are you going to find more scantily clad hunks and babes willing to give you a helping hand? A word to the wise: if a hot and friendly body comes up to you offering to help, act na ve and take pointers. Instead of boot knocking, you might be blade knocking, if you catch my drift.

It’s great to get out there and increase your heart rate not only from the aerobic exercise but from the sight of a tight T shirt on a woman’s chest or the full, muscular calves of a man’s legs.

Even if you’re already the active type, blading breaks up the routine and can be a great addition to cross training. It also provides another reason to go to the park— to watch the pretty boys and girls skate by.