Man With a Van

I had an encounter in a shopping plaza parking lot that still makes my joint jump whenever I ponder what happened.

I came out of a store in the plaza on a Saturday, about five in the afternoon, and I noticed a very noticeable redhead standing near my van. She had on a short, light green dress and sheer hose that showed off her copper hair and long, slender legs to the maximum advantage.

As I opened the van’s rear doors to toss in a couple of packages, she asked if it was my van. She appeared nervous and upset, so my first thought was that she had hit the van while trying to park her car. But without a word of introduction, she blurted out a story that put me in a cold sweat.

She said she had just left a wedding reception after an argument with her husband, who had been drinking too much. He had confessed to having an affair with my wife. He’d boasted about how well my wife treated him in bed and how she gave the best blowjobs he had ever had. This redhead went on to inform me that she had a temper to match her hair and that she intended to get even with “those two SOBs.” She said she was ready, right then and right there, and that she could suck cock with an expertise that would put the best of them to shame.

Her story almost held water she was dressed as if she’d just come from a wedding, she was wearing a wedding ring and she as really pissed off. The only catch was that I’m not married.

Not being one to argue over such a detail, I said I suspected my wife of cheating, but didn’t know who the guy was. I asked her how she had found me. She explained that in the argument with her husband she had found out that I worked in the plaza and had a black and yellow Dodge van. She had to come looking for me.

Well, at least she wasn’t colorblind, but I did put myself between her and the van, covering up the F O R D lettering on the back door.

Acting as angry as I could under the circumstances, I started to complain that since the back of the van was full of my tools, we couldn’t get even with “those two” right then and there. She pointed to a Lincoln parked two rows over, and I followed her to it like a puppy dog.

As she put the car in gear and peeled out of the parking lot, she began ranting and raving about her no good husband. She didn’t give me a chance to say a word, so I just sat back and admired the view as, with her every gesture, her dress inched its way up those lovely long legs and her breasts jiggled and swung loosely underneath the green fabric. Within 10 minutes we had pulled into a motel and she was opening one of the rooms with her key. She had come looking for me, prepared.

As soon as she had locked the door behind her, she unzipped and slipped the dress from her shoulders, down past her hips and onto the floor. She was wearing a light green bra and matching panties and garter belt. Her panties were so brief that I could see soft red cunt hairs sticking out on either side of her crotch. I stood there in a trance for a few seconds, drinking in her beauty. But I was soon out of my clothes and, as was obvious to both of us, ready for action. So was she.

Kicking off her heels, she pulled me onto the bed and knelt down between my legs. With both hands she held my cock as if it were on display, seeming to study it for a minute. Then she reached in front of her and released her bra. Two beautiful, pink tipped breasts swung free and, as she bent forward, I began to work my cock between them and over her protruding nipples. My cock had moistened, and she rubbed it along her neck, cradling its head against her cheek. Then, peeling back the foreskin, she lowered her soft lips down and around the mushroom head, slowly working her mouth up and down. She let out a soft moan and tried to take more of my stiffened cock into her mouth. Palming one of my balls in one hand, she drove her mouth down over the length of my shaft until I felt the tip of my cock touch the back of her throat.

Twice I pulled out of her mouth because I was afraid I’d come too soon. Squeezing my shaft in her hand and running a wet tongue down its length, she gently took one ball into her mouth. I could feel her tongue move my ball from one side to the other. I found myself moaning now as she applied pressure with her mouth and tongue. Then, plunging her lips down along the shaft, she against started the pumping action, gradually increasing the length of each stroke. She feverishly pumped my rod deep into her hot mouth. Feeling my balls stiffen, I thrust forward and let go. Again she moaned and sucked harder and faster.

After she gave me her name and phone number, and a promise for the following Saturday, she calmly got dressed.

That was the first and last time we ever met, for the name and number turned out to be phonies. I sometimes wonder if any part of her story was true maybe it was just a game that she got her kicks from. But I still can’t help hoping that if it as a true story, and if she ever does get pissed off at her old man again, I’ll be in that same plaza parking lot.

Mr. Rory G., Wisconsin

Hotter Than a Pistol

Our neighborhood had a Fourth of July party that was a real blowout. After the fireworks had all been set off, and the kids were asleep, the adults had a fireworks display all their own.

My husband and I and three couples in the neighborhood had been barbecuing and drinking all day, and we decided to go for a midnight swim. Everything was normal until the most conservative woman in the group suggested we all skinny dip. The rest of us were shocked but not put off by her suggestion. (Luckily the pool we were in has a deck with a privacy fence built all around it.) We took off our suits, and there was some playful kissing and petting among all of us. Having a size 40D chest, I was receiving quite a bit of attention from the men. I’m not shy in the least, so I was enjoying it and getting very hot!

My husband was also getting heated up by the lady who lives across the street. They were in their own corner of the pool kissing and stroking each other all over. My husband had often teased mea bout how much he’d like to make Donna scream in ecstasy, and it looked like he was going to get his chance. I noticed others beginning to pair off and realized I was going to get to make a fantasy of my own come true.

My husband works nights, and when I’m horny at night, I get myself off to thoughts of the man who lives nearby. He’s tall, bearded, slightly balding and has a great body. I’ve always been turned on my Clarence, and there he was, waiting for me.

I was hot already and getting hotter by the minute just thinking about being with him. Clarence’s kisses were burning a path like wildfire over my lips, face and neck. Clarence sucked and fondled my tits and nipples until they were so hard I thought they would explode. My knees were shaking, my legs were like rubber and I felt my whole body erupt with an orgasm. I had never gotten off from a man just sucking on my tits, and it was pure heaven. Clarence told me he had just begun to please me. He lifted me out of the pool so that I was sitting on the edge of the deck. Still in the pool, he began kissing my inner thighs and finger fucking me. I was quivering with excitement, anticipating the moment when he would finally put his lips on my completely shaven pussy.

Finally his tongue began teasing my clit. I came instantly all over his face. Clarence murmured something about how a wet pussy turned him on and he had never seen a wetter pussy than mine. He buried his face in my pussy and ate me like a starving man would a steak dinner. It seemed to last for hours, and I’m surprised my screams didn’t wake the rest of the neighborhood. I’m a very sexual person, but I finally had to beg for mercy and ask him to quit using his tongue on me. By now my head was spinning, my ears were ringing and I felt as though my teeth were all on edge. Yet all I could think about was having his dick inside of me. I slid back in the pool, ready for him, but when I reached down for his dick, I was surprised to find it only semi erect. Clarence admitted rather sheepishly that he had come while eating my pussy. I didn’t think I could get any hotter, but that did it the thought of a man being that turned on by pleasing me.

He might have thought we were done, but there was no way I wasn’t going to fuck him. I took a big breath and started sucking Clarence underwater. This was no easy feat, but the way his cock felt in my mouth was keeping my juices flowing. I came up for air once and went back under, taking all of him in my mouth. I could feel his dick getting hard in my throat. Finally the need for air made me come back up to the surface. Before I had time to catch my breath, Clarence had grabbed me to him, and I felt his shaft penetrating me. We were facing each other, my arms around his neck and my legs wrapped tightly around his waist. Each stroke of his cock made my whole body shake with a new orgasm.

Clarence’s fucking was excellent. He’d use short, light strokes, then faster, harder ones. Then he stopped for a moment and had me turn around so I was holding on to the edge of the pool. He began to enter me from behind, but only put the head of his dick inside me. No matter how I squirmed and wiggled, I couldn’t get more of him in me. Clarence told me that if I wanted all of his dick I would have to ask nicely. I was quivering with excitement. I would have promised him the moon if he had rammed his whole cock into me. I said please, told him I would do anything he wanted. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he plunged deep inside me. I had the most fantastic orgasm of my life. He kept driving his dick deeper and deeper. All the while I’m screaming and moaning like Jane of the Jungle. We were bumping and grinding so much the pool must have looked like it had a whirlpool in it. I could tell by his breathing and the tautness of his body that Clarence was ready to come. He let out a moan as I felt his come filling my pussy. I was in heaven! He pulled out of me, and we were gasping, hanging on to the side of the pool.

When we turned around to see how the others were doing, we found them all looking at us. Clarence and I broke out laughing. He pulled me to him and said, “That was great!” The other women were getting out of the pool, but I was too tired to move. I didn’t realize I was on the brink of another fantasy.

The men were teasing me about how they felt left out because Clarence had gotten the wildest fuck of the party. I said jokingly that I could fix that by doing all of them at once. They all laughed and dared me, so I said if they could get it up again, we’d go for it.

The five of us got out of the pool and I was amazed that all four men had hard ons already, so it looked like I had to do my part. At this point I was ready for anything. I had one man lay flat on his back on the deck. I found a bottle of suntan lotion we had all been using and squeezed a liberal amount on his dick. Then I straddled him with my back toward his face. I was so loose from drinking and all the good sex that I had no trouble sliding him right into my cunt.

After he was in me, I leaned back so my head was resting on his shoulders. He told me he didn’t know what I had planned, but he liked it already, and I had better hurry because he was ready to come. I motioned to the man who lives next door to put his dick in my hand. He got on his knees and slid his cock into my waiting fist. Then Clarence sat on me between my tits and shoulders and I started sucking him. My husband was gracious enough to let all of these men have the prime spots, since he gets whatever he wants whenever he wants at home.

The three of them were all pumping their dicks in me, and when I looked up, my husband was standing next to me stroking himself, and from the look of his cock, he was going to come any minute.

The man I was on top of came first, and while I was enjoying the feel of his hot load in my pussy, Clarence started filling my mouth with his come. I was greedily sucking him dry when my husband’s jism hit my breast and the man in my hand exploded. I had the combined strength of four orgasms rolled into one eruption through my body. We all lay together totally spent.

Sometime during all the fun the other women had gotten dressed inside. We got dressed and received a very cool reception when we got in the house. Since then the women in the neighborhood never stop by for coffee anymore but their husbands sure do!

Ms. (Name and address withheld upon request)

Summer Vacation

Vacations are usually good for the mind and body. This particular vacation was a turning point in our lives. My wife, Doreen, and I had rented a beachfront apartment at Myrtle Beach. We were really looking forward to this vacation. Our two active careers had strained our nine year relationship, and we needed a chance to recreate some of the magic. We had no way of knowing just how special this vacation was going to turn out.

For the first few days, we really got into the vacation scene, hitting the beaches and shopping. Of course, our lagging sex lives really got a big booster shot. On our fourth day, we went to rent a boat to run around in and met another couple who wanted to rent a boat for waterskiing. The marina wouldn’t rent them a ski boat without at least a third person to watch the skier. Since we were just looking to poke around the bay, and they seemed like an interesting couple, we offered to split the cost of a boat with them and go skiing as well.

We had a super time with Carl and Monique. She is a knockout brunette in her early 40s. Carl is about 45 and is built like a track runner lean and muscular. Carl and I were the first to ski, then the girls got into it. I couldn’t help noticing that every time Monique got up on her skis, the rush of water popped one of her ample breasts out of her bathing suit. Carl and Doreen began teasing me about it, joking that every time Monique got up, I did, too. That wasn’t too far from the truth, and I noticed Doreen’s eyes lingering over the bulge in Carl’s bathing suit. She saw me catch her a couple of times and acted a little embarrassed, but what the hell, we were all having a good time.

That night we went to dinner at a little seafood place, which also had a small combo and a dance floor. We were taking turns dancing with each other, with some really delicious wine helping things along. Holding Monique in my warms was a heady experience for me. She looked gorgeous in a white halter dress that accentuated her body beautifully. Her perfume almost had me shaking.

Doreen and Carl were dancing, and Monique excused herself to go to the ladies’ room, so I went to the men’s room. When I got back to the table, things looked really weird. Doreen was on the verge of tears, and Carl was acting funny.

What had happened was some guy had cut into their dance. He seemed okay at first, but quickly began to hit on Doreen. She was trying to handle him without incident, but he was a little drunk, and was pawing at her and not taking her polite refusals. Finally she walked away from him, and he roughly pulled her back. Luckily, Carl had been keeping an eye on things and stepped in. The guy took a swing at Carl, who put him away with one punch. I was upset about being in the men’s room while all hell was breaking loose hell, we were all upset and the evening seemed ruined. So we left. We invited them back to our apartment to continue our evening in less violent surroundings.

Some music and more wine set a relaxed tone again, and we danced some more. I was a little surprised when Monique blazed a trail of hot little kisses on my neck while we were dancing. Doreen and I had talked half jokingly about swinging a couple of times, but ruled it out. We weren’t really the type, and a reputation like that can spread around a neighborhood pretty fast.

On the other hand, here we were with two very sexy people, knowing only each other’s first names, in an apartment 200 miles from our home. Still, the possibility seemed unrealistic. I looked over at Doreen who was dancing with Carl. She looked about as sexy as Monique. Later, I danced with my wife and commented about how sexy she looked. I could tell she was highly aroused by her nipples, which were poking through the sheer fabric of her dress.

Later, I was sitting with Monique talking and Doreen, getting playful, said that one of us was going to have to put some lotion on her sunburn. Then she said that it was going to have to be Carl. Sine he had “rescued” her at the restaurant, he was responsible for her. She gave me a quizzical look to which I replied with a smile. Doreen relaxed on a sofa while Carl lightly slipped aside the spaghetti straps on her dress and applied the lotion to her skin. I could see Doreen begin to shiver slightly with pleasure and was starting to feel some pangs of jealousy when Monique started kissing my neck again.

After a few minutes of kissing her, I began to move my hands over her beautiful body. When I slipped my hand into her halter to play with her nipples, she caught her breath and let out a low moan.

I was pretty excited by this time, and Monique was unbuckling my slacks to get at my throbbing cock. I looked over to see how Doreen was going to react to all this, and she was nowhere to be found. I listened carefully, and the noises from the bedroom told me that no one was going to care what was happening in the living room.

Monique and I lost no time getting out of our clothes, and I gasped when I saw her tanned and naked body. As beautiful as she looked in a swimsuit, she was even more beautiful in the buff. I don’t know what she does for exercise, but her age didn’t show one bit. I began to kiss her all over and found my way down to her hot, wet pussy. She tasted super and was moaning and bucking wildly as my tongue found her clit. Finally she came with a shudder, and told me to lay back.

What she did to me over the next few minutes was unlike anything I’d ever felt. She used her tongue expertly over every inch of my body. By the time she got around to taking me in her mouth, I was a wild man. I came like I’d never come before, and she didn’t let a single drop of my semen get away.

After I caught my breath again, we started up, and I threw a hot fuck into her that exhausted both of us. Monique fell asleep in my arms right there on the floor and after a few minutes I slipped off to the bathroom. Padding softly past the bedroom, I couldn’t help stealing a glance past the partly open door. What I saw captivated me. My beautiful wife Doreen was giving this guy the blowjob of his life and loving every minute of it. Most of Carl’s first two fingers were inside her sopping pussy, and her juice was running down his arm. I never watched another couple make it before outside of movies and it was exciting as hell to watch them.

Things got fast and furious, and Doreen, in a voice so husky I barely recognized it, said, “Fuck me again, Carl. I’ve got to feel that beautiful cock inside me again.”

At that moment, I don’t know which of us had the harder rod, me or Carl. They were totally unaware of me as they began a mind blowing screw that gathered in its intensity until Doreen was literally screaming and begging for more. Finally they both stiffened, and Doreen’s legs actually shook, she was coming so hard and so intensely.

My legs were a little rubbery by then, and I remembered that I needed the bathroom. I was just starting back to the living room when Doreen, heading for the bathroom, almost bumped into me. Being face to face with my wife minutes after all that had gone on was weird for both of us. She looked at me with a look that said, “What now?” The words just wouldn’t come, so I kissed her deeply. She returned the kiss with a sweet kiss of her own and asked me to give her a few minutes.

She finished in the bathroom and went into the bedroom, where Carl helped her to put fresh sheets in place of the soaked ones they enjoyed so much. Carl went into the living room to be with his sleeping wife, and Doreen and I made love with an intensity that we’d never felt before.

We never saw Carl or Monique again, but we think of them from time to time. We’re still not into swinging, but that was a vacation we will never forget. I never thought I’d be excited by seeing Doreen with someone else, but next year’s vacation plans may just include it. Doreen agrees. She still doesn’t want to play too close to home, but the experience really brought us closer together.

Mr. (Name and address withheld by request)

Interview: Ted Nugent

For the past 40 years, Ted Nugent has set the world on its ear with rock and roll classics like “Cat Scratch Fever” and with his controversial political opinions. We sent 2007 Pet of the Year Heather Vandeven on assignment to tangle with the man himself. Here’s what she came back with.

VANDEVEN: Which did you pick up first, a gun or a guitar?

NUGENT: I think it was a photo finish. If you examine my nose in the photo, it’s crossing the gun and the guitar lines simultaneously. My dad introduced me to guns and archery when I was just a toddler. He was a drill sergeant in World War II. I was born in 1948, just a few years after we caused the evil punks to sign a surrender. So my dad was in the celebratory mood that all things American optimize by the Second Amendment, a critical quality of life determinator. Fascinatingly, at that time in space, my dad had also picked up on the stimulating and intriguing promotion of a Mr. Fred Bear from the wilds of Michigan that the mystical flight of the arrow would bring more spirituality and intensity to the overall outdoor experience.

You’ve got to realize that Ed Sullivan was just starting his new TV show. All of a sudden this new beast known as rock and roll was being unleashed upon an unsuspecting public with this new electronic delivery system, the television. It was at that time, probably when I was about five or six, that I was inspired to pursue both the shooting disciplines and the outrage of rock and roll. I don’t know if we have any eyewitnesses as to whether it was the bow and arrow, the gun, or the guitar, but it all erupted almost spontaneously and instantaneously. Neck and neck, is the way I remember it.

VANDEVEN: That is fascinating. You were so young, and your dad totally supported the whole thing. Did he play the guitar as well?

NUGENT: No, he didn’t. The only guitarist in the family was my mother’s wonderful sister Nancy. My mom and Nancy would beat on this piece of junk acoustic guitar. Music has always been an enriching force in men’s lives, and it touched me especially the music of Chuck Berry, Bo Diddley, and Jerry Lee Lewis, then the Stones and Elvis and the Beatles. My God, how could you not respond to that? I believe we all did, and we continue to do so.

VANDEVEN: I think so, too. Who should not be allowed to own a gun?

NUGENT: Felons and those convicted of violent crimes. The mentally deranged. Sarah Brady. Ted Kennedy and Charlie Schumer. People who believe in gun control should be forced into helplessness and not be allowed to be protected by anyone with a gun.

VANDEVEN: Oh yeah, that would get them on the bandwagon, real quick!

NUGENT: There’s a goddamn answer to a goddamn question!

VANDEVEN: What advice would you give to someone who’s getting involved in shooting sports for the first time?

NUGENT: Take a deep breath. Go slow. Start, particularly with firearms, with a .22 in a bolt action rifle, shooting CB caps that have no concussion and no recoil. Discover the spirituality of the hand eye/trigger squeeze/breathing/sight acquisition ballet and learn to realize that Zen began with projectile management.

VANDEVEN: I know it well.

NUGENT: A higher level of awareness, a higher sense of accountability, and great, great sensual stimulation will occur if one approaches the shooting sports with a sense of responsibility. It’s a great combination of the physical and the spiritual, in that one must be the best that one can be in order to excel at marksmanship disciplines, regardless of weaponry at hand.

VANDEVEN: I agree. I was in the Army for a number of years, and I had weapons training.

NUGENT: It’s important stuff.

VANDEVEN: It is. What don’t people understand about hunting?

NUGENT: There’s only a sliver of goofballs out there. The most lunatic of the lunatic fringe somehow can’t grasp the concept that there’s this tooth, fang and claw creation that God blessed us with, and that animals have babies every year but the earth doesn’t produce more ground every year. In fact, mankind reduces habitat every year. If you want to find improved air, soil, and water quality, you will have to find a quality wildlife habitat. Across the board, the world should rejoice that in every instance, where air, soil, and water quality is improved, you’ll find a hunting organization like Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation, Ducks Unlimited, National Wild Turkey Federation, Federation of North American Wild Sheep, driving that habitat rehabilitation and safeguarding.

When I discuss this in my speaking presentations and my writings and my TV shows, you can see even the most overwhelmed propaganda victims tilt their head, purse their lips, squint their eyes and say, ‘Oh. Oh! I get it. Animals are renewable, and that’s perfect protein along their skeleton. Oh, I get it! Thanksgiving! Thanking God for the natural bounty of the harvest which occurs not in spring, not in summer, but in the fall!’ As soon as I articulate it so clearly and obviously, even the most idiotic except those with a mind destroyed on drugs and alcohol, other than those numb nuts everybody goes, ‘Oh, I get it, Ted. Hunting is good. Thank you for balancing the ground. Thank you for trapping those fur bearers. Thank you for keeping mange and distemper and rabies out of nature. Thank you for bringing balance during the natural season of harvest. We appreciate it. Now pass the fucking venison! ‘ I mean, you really have to be mentally deranged to be against hunting.

VANDEVEN: Yeah, I agree. Now, you didn’t serve in the military. . . .

NUGENT: Well, I’m not sure about that. I just got back from Baghdad, and it sure looked like a gun in my hand.

I was in Baghdad and Afghanistan recently as a representative of the USO. But no, I did not officially serve in any of the heroic warrior arms of the United States military a fact about which I’m somewhat embarrassed. But being a victim of the rather putrid, failed education system in this country, I graduated from high school without an inkling of the critical, pivotal role that war plays in killing evil so that good people can be free.

I did not enlist during the Vietnam War. In fact, I had a 1 Y deferment. I clung to not wanting to go to war from a total lack of understanding and because I was so intense about my rock and roll career. So no, I did not serve officially, but boy, I’ve made up for it. I’m a proud honorary member of the 101st Airborne, and I’ve trained with literally every arm of the US military. I’m humbled and deeply inspired by the supreme warrior spirit and dedication of these great men and women.

I went from being an idiot, ignorant dipshit American to being a 100 percent supporter of the warriors.

VANDEVEN: You didn’t serve because of a deferment? I heard it was because you deliberately failed your physical exam.

NUGENT: No, not at all. In fact, it was High Times magazine who claimed that I shit in my pants to get out of the draft. Can you do me a favor when you publish this interview, Heather? Please put in big, bold, red, flashing, neon letters, ‘Fuck you, High Times. Fuck you, Creem magazine. Fuck you, Jann Wenner. Fuck you, hippies. Eat shit and die.’

VANDEVEN: Yes. Got that! Okay.

NUGENT: That should be the title of this piece. And then, in parentheses, ‘Peace and Love Through Superior Firepower. Fuck you.’

VANDEVEN: Do you think that gays should serve in the military?

NUGENT: Not only should they, but they’ve done so heroically. Absolutely.

VANDEVEN: Yeah. Thank God.

NUGENT: Gays are cool. I’ve got a bunch of fag friends. I keep inviting all my gay buddies to a campfire hootenanny where I play ‘Wang Dang Sweet Poontang’ over and over again, hoping they’ll discover the joys of eating pussy. But you know what, Heather? They just resist!

VANDEVEN: They do, I know. . . I’ve been trying to convert a few myself!

NUGENT: What a bunch of funny guys. No, I have no problem with homosexuality. Go wild. Just don’t touch my ass.

VANDEVEN: Exactly!

NUGENT: I’m good for a hug, though.

VANDEVEN: How did your parents teach you about sex, and how did your teach your own children?

NUGENT: They didn’t. My friend Sally had to teach me that. But I sat down with my children, and I told them the gory details. Actually, the fascinating, miraculous details, the wonderful details of the procreation process. I began when they were about 10 or 11 years old. I gave them all the details about what goes where, and what comes from what, and how to control that beast. They have to know the details, especially in this world of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases. I take bulls by the horns, and then I thump them to death.

VANDEVEN: So you teach your children sexual responsibility, not sexual abstinence?

NUGENT: Yes. Absolutely.

VANDEVEN: Which is more important, the Bill of Rights or the Ten Commandments?

NUGENT: They’re equal.

VANDEVEN: In what way?

NUGENT: The Bill of Rights, I’m sure, was inspired by the Ten Commandments. I believe that the entire American Dream was inspired by the Ten Commandments, and the Golden Rule had the abject abandonment of those decency principles by the tyrants and slave drivers, emperors and kings of Europe. That’s why brave men and women went on this adventure to experiment in self government. The entire Judeo Christian foundation of America is why we’ve been so progressive and why we’ve been so quality of life driven. The Ten Commandments and the Bill of Rights are really about self evident truth, God given rights, and decrees. Whether you believe in God or some other deity, there are self evident guidelines to decency and good will. That’s what those words represent.

VANDEVEN: Do you have a favorite among the Bill of Rights or the Ten Commandments?

NUGENT: Well, obviously, I consider the Second Amendment to the Constitution to be one of the Ten Commandments! I think the 11th Commandment is, ‘Thou shalt carry maximum firepower at all times.’

VANDEVEN: How did I know that was going to be your answer?

NUGENT: How old are you, Heather?


NUGENT: Atta girl. A wild woman.

VANDEVEN: I am! Bill O’Reilly and others say America is in the middle of a culture war. Where does rock and roll fit on the list of America’s cultural problems?

NUGENT: Rock and roll doesn’t even represent a hiccup. Rock and roll is all things and it’s nothing. I have a song titled ‘Fred Bear’ that is an emotional journey in celebration of the spiritual relationship between men and mankind. My song ‘Wango Tango,’ not so much. So rock and roll can be anything from sheer delirium to social guidance. I can’t, off the top of my head, think of much social guidance right now. Except maybe the song ‘I Shoot Back,’ on my album Spirit of the Wild. There’s some social guidance for you.

But there is a culture war, and it’s quite simply and obviously defined by those who would cling to the Ten Commandments and those that would ban them. It’s so simple it’s stupid. There are those who would side with Bono and say that we should forgive the Third World debt, and those that side with Ted Nugent and say, no, because the money will end up in the hands of some despot or dictator who will buy more guns and jets to further oppress his people. The people won’t get any of the Third World debt relief. Only the kings and the slave drivers will. So there’s your line in the sand. The culture war is as definitive as the Alamo. Davy Crockett stood for freedom. Santa Anna stood for slavery. Kill Santa Anna. Jesus Christ, who the fuck doesn’t know this? I’ll tell you who. People who smoke dope.

VANDEVEN: Is that it, the dope smokers?

NUGENT: That’s it. All the leftists have their brains semi fried. They’re the only ones who think that Ozzy Osbourne’s linguistics are acceptable.

VANDEVEN: What do you mean, Ozzy Osbourne’s linguistics?

NUGENT: Well, can you understand the motherfucker?


NUGENT: I can’t either. That’s because of substance abuse. I love Ozzy, but you give anyone that much poison and he’s going to sound like that. I mean, what the fuck?

VANDEVEN: Have you ever used drugs?

NUGENT: Never, ever! Never touched a drug in my life. I used to take joints of hashish. . . I guess that’s what it was. It sure smelled good. I guess I was almost like the pre Jim Carrey, smart ass, goofball maniac. I’d take these joints of hash and I’d blow on them, not smoke them. Their front would get all glowy red. And it made the guys in the MC5 shit themselves! I’ve never touched drugs, and I never will.

VANDEVEN: Do you drink coffee?

NUGENT: I do drink a cup of coffee in the morning. Heather,

I just wrote a piece for the Waco Tribune called ‘The Sacred Temple.’ You’re 26, and you work as a nude model. You obviously know what the fuck a sacred temple is.


NUGENT: But has anyone ever said to you that your body is a sacred temple? Have you ever used that term about yourself before?

VANDEVEN: Yes. Absolutely.

NUGENT: Good. Because not many kids these days have. And I think that we need to bring the term ‘sacred temple’ back into every American family.

VANDEVEN: I hear you.

NUGENT: We need to tell kids that you don’t let Mr. Hand pick up Mr. Poison and put it in Mr. Fucking Mouth. Duh!

VANDEVEN: I study holistic nutrition, so I’m super aware that the body is a sacred temple. But some people just don’t get it.

NUGENT: That’s why my wife, Shemane, and I are so gung ho when it comes to what goes into the sacred temple.

VANDEVEN: That’s beautiful, Ted. Speaking of Waco, what’s your opinion of the whole government involvement there?

NUGENT: It was a Nazi moment. Janet Reno was a Nazi. Bill Clinton’s a Nazi. The corrupt law enforcement during that siege were Nazis. Waco was a soulless, anti American clusterfuck that rivals any soulless, anti American clusterfuck in our history. Louis Freeh should be in jail. Janet Reno should be in jail. Bill Clinton should be in jail. And the punks who were in charge of the FBI and ATF that were there that day, who violated our Constitution, should all be in jail. I mean, Jesus! Who the fuck doesn’t know that? There’s no Plan B in that one.

VANDEVEN: You travel all over the country, Ted. What do you think is the biggest threat to America today?

NUGENT: Apathy within this great nation. People who scream for health care but don’t give a rat’s ass about their own health. They’re going to send you and me the bills. They smoke and drink and do meth and eat like beached sperm whales, then they send you and me the doctor bills for the universally known and guaranteed misconduct that brings disease and a wrecked life, and they squall for health care without any care whatsoever about their own health! I got a special health care card for them that says, ‘Fuck you, you chimp!’

VANDEVEN: Take responsibility for your own health first.

NUGENT: That’s just a minor detail in the overall embarrassment of apathy in this country. You’ve got people in this society who are such amoral bloodsuckers that they literally think that the pimps and the whores and the welfare brats deserve some of the money from people who get up early and bust their ass. Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton and most of the Democrats and all the liberals aren’t even hesitant to echo Mao Tze Tung and Karl Marx when they recommend and demand the redistribution of wealth.

This is so anti freedom, so anti American, so anti individualism, so anti independence, as to be an absolute shocking embarrassment against the very foundation of Live Free or Die and independence and a pledge thereof. The liberal Democrats should all be thrown out of the country. They want to bring in Communist Chinese and Communist Cuban policies. They don’t really have to do that here, because there is a China, and there is a Cuba, and if they like those systems, they should go there.

VANDEVEN: So Hillary Clinton’s at the top of your list for President in 2008, right?

NUGENT: Yeah, Hillary Clinton’s at the top of my list, just like Richard Pryor was when he caught on fire. I need a good laugh.

VANDEVEN: So she doesn’t have your endorsement for President then?

NUGENT: No, Hillary Clinton is an anti American Maoist of the lowest uncommon denominator. She’s an embarrassment to this great country. She stands for things that are clearly anti Constitutional, anti freedom, anti individuality, anti entrepreneurship. And I hate her fucking guts.

VANDEVEN: That sucks, because she’s female, and as a female, I want to believe in her and her candidacy.

NUGENT: Hard, isn’t it?

VANDEVEN: It is hard. So who would you like to see get the Presidency in ’08?

NUGENT: I like Mitt Romney, but I’m not convinced he’s the man yet. I love Mike Huckabee, but I’m not convinced he’s the man yet either. I really do love Rudy Giuliani, for all the obvious heroic leadership credentials he earned during 9/11, but his extreme liberal social leanings are absolutely intolerable for true quality of life and decency and fair play in this country. Giuliani has blown it on the Second Amendment. He’s blown it on the gay rights issue. He’s blown it on the abortion issue. So it’s not pretty out there. And I want to like Barack Obama, but I can’t.

VANDEVEN: Why not?

NUGENT: He doesn’t stand for anything. And when some policy does slip out of his mouth, it’s horrific. He’s one of these fantasy driven goofballs who thinks that peace and love come from negotiating with the Japs and the Nazis and with al Qaida. That’s it. That’s as brain dead as the stones I shoveled back into the yard this morning.

VANDEVEN: Do you think America is ready for a black president?

NUGENT: I think America is ready for a good president, Heather. I think Colin Powell has much better credentials than Barack Obama. I think J.C. Watts would be a much better president than Barack Obama. I think we have some really great black heroes out there. And I’m one of them. Listen to my guitar playing. That’s not a white guy playing that shit!

VANDEVEN: Who’s America’s biggest hero right now? And you can’t say yourself!

NUGENT: An unnamed Marine or Army warrior, or Navy warrior, or National Guard warrior, or Air Force warrior, someone in the trenches of the War on Terror. There’s no more powerful and clearly heroic figure that has ever existed. I can’t name a single individual, but I’m sure you would find him with an M16 or better yet, an M60, in the trenches against the allahvoodoopukes. That’s all one word, by the way, Heather. Allahvoodoopukes.

VANDEVEN: What don’t people understand about you?

NUGENT: I don’t know, and I don’t care. You’d have to be mentally ill not to understand me.

VANDEVEN: Yeah, you would think so, wouldn’t you?

NUGENT: Not that everybody has to understand me. Those that don’t, can’t. But I’m so simple, it’s stupid. What am I? I’m a self evident truth celebrant. I just celebrate the most obvious. I’m not smart enough to really form opinions about the obvious. We have the right to defend ourselves, and we have a moral obligation to do so. That’s not an opinion, that’s an observation. The back straps on the back bone of a deer is the best food in the world. That’s not an opinion. That’s a fact. Being good and kind and supportive of your fellow human beings is the right thing to do. That’s not an opinion, that’s obvious as hell. If someone breaks into your house, you shoot him twice in the chest. That’s not an opinion on how to handle an invader, that’s how you’re supposed to handle an invader. These aren’t opinions. These are simple, self evident truisms that I live by. Those who adhere to logic and decency and good will understand me perfectly.

VANDEVEN: That’s really awesome. Thank you so much for speaking with us, Ted. That’s all the questions I have for you.

NUGENT: All right, Heather. That’s all the answers you need!

For more of the Motor City Madman, log onto

Gal Friday Delivers

Linda, a beautiful full figured brunette of about 40, is my boss, but she is also my friend. Her business requires her to travel to various cities about four times a year to attend conventions. Her husband, Don, knows that she regards these trips as vacations from marital fidelity and that she usually shares her bed with Bob, her well hung 28 year old executive assistant.

What Don may not know, but Linda has confided to me, is that after a night of getting reacquainted with Bob’s super thick cock and his exquisite lovemaking technique, she usually becomes more adventurous, and may spend the final night or two in some other man’s bed. Occasionally she and Bob get together with one or more other men. One time last year, for instance, Linda spent a night with Bob and three strangers they met at their hotel. She began the evening by sucking one man’s cock, and by the time she had swallowed the last one’s come, the first man was hard again. That gave all four tremendous staying power and Linda said it was probably the best sex of her life. The next several hours were just one orgasm after another, as these four muscular, young studs took their pleasure of her again and again until everyone was tired out and totally satisfied.

The only problem Linda has is that, when she gets home, she is usually rather tired from lack of sleep (and sometimes a little sore as well). But Don is hot and horny from several days of deprivation (and imagining his darling wife moaning with pleasure as she offers her moist cunt to the ardent thrusts of her gorgeous young coworker).

The situation has caused trouble between them at times, so before Linda’s last trip out of town she suggested that I might be able to keep her husband satisfied while she was away. I was flattered and very willing, since I have a soft spot for Don. Also, I was divorced two years ago, and with no regular boyfriend (only a date or a weekend now and then with a couple of married men I know), I haven’t been getting as much sex as I need. I was also apprehensive, since I am not nearly as good looking as Linda. I’m sort of mousy blonde and I have put on a few pounds I shouldn’t have since my marriage broke up. But the next day Linda told me it was all arranged, and said with a wink that Don was looking forward to it.

Linda left on Thursday, and that evening Don picked me up to take me out to dinner. I was wearing my nicest dress, with garter belt and new stockings. I wasn’t wearing any underwear and, at the right time, I was going to show Don what was going to be all his for the next couple of nights. He gave me a warm greeting kiss, and even held my hand while we were waiting for the food. During our conversation, his voice was smooth and seductive but mine was nervous and husky, and I kept blushing every time he gave me one of those looks that said, “I know you are all mine tonight.”

Over the coffee he finally said, “You know, I’ve wanted your body for a long time. I can hardly wait to get my mouth on your pussy.”

All I could reply was, “It’s all yours whenever you want it. For your sake, I’m not wearing anything under this dress,” and I managed very quickly and discreetly to pull up my skirt so he could catch a glimpse of my brown bush and the pink lips beneath it. It was only a few minutes before we were naked on Don and Linda’s bed, with Don’s head buried between my thighs. He was literally worshiping my ass and cunt, and he brought me to climax until I was literally begging for his cock and telling him that I wanted him to fuck me long and hard, again and again. Soon I was kissing my juice off his handsome face as the purple knob of his long prick nudged its way between my moist inner lips.

Then, with a quick thrust, Don was deep into me, and, for the first time in my life, I felt the tip of a man’s cock caressing my cervix. We both came right away, but I wanted to keep Don hard, and so I started talking to him about what Linda was probably getting right then from Bob, describing it in detail and suiting my actions to my words. As I guessed it would, this got Don very excited, and soon he was banging away at me. He was out of control, gasping sometimes my name and sometimes Linda’s. I just lay there getting the fuck of my life, moaning and begging him to give me all he had.

I spent the next three days with him at their house, getting fucked whenever I wanted it, which was quite often. In between times, Don ate me, and I could always get him hard by sucking his cock. I also learned to love the taste of Don’s jism, which is silky sweet, not bitter like my ex husband’s. Linda was very impressed by how contented her husband was on her return, and after comparing notes, we found out that I had been fucked more times during her trip than she had though she had welcomed a different man into her body each of the three nights and found them all delightful. Don and Linda now describe their extramarital joys to each other while they fuck, and they say their marriage is better than ever.

All three of us decided to make Don’s screwing me a regular part of Linda’s frequent business with pleasure trips. Don and Linda are still strictly faithful to each other when they are in the same town, but just an hour ago I saw Linda off at the plane for San Francisco. Linda’s cute husband has just come in as I’ve been writing this, and my dress is already half off. God, I am horny! I promise you that when I go to the corner to mail this, the lips of my cunt will be dripping with the delicious love milk Don loves to pump deep into my belly.

Ms. N.R., New York